


Worse Than Silence

by biscuitsandgravy



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Memory Loss, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 00:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4685492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biscuitsandgravy/pseuds/biscuitsandgravy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Sousuke doesn't remember him, and Rin doesn't want to lie. But he also doesn't especially want to tell the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worse Than Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Contains moral dilemmas, sad Rin, and vague terminal illnesses.

When Rin heard about the diagnosis, he prepared himself for what would happen. He knew Sousuke wouldn’t be very active anymore. He knew Sousuke would need to sleep more. He knew that Sousuke would want someone by his side, but would be too proud to ask.

 

He expected those things. He was prepared. Or at least, as prepared as you can be when you find out your best friend is dying.

 

What he came as a surprise was the memory loss.

 

The doctor who was observing Sousuke that day explained that memory loss wasn’t exactly a side effect of the illness, but of the multitude of medications used to treat it. He also explained that Sousuke would probably have good days and bad days; some where he would be alert, but also some where he would be completely lost.

 

That particular day was a bad day.

 

Rin remembered it well. It leaves an impact, when you greet someone you’ve known since before puberty and they only stare at you, cautious to your presence. Just like you were a stranger. Rin didn’t stay long that day. But at least he didn’t cry until he was at home.

 

Because despite how much his friends (even Sousuke) teased him for crying easily, Rin did his best to put on a brave face for Sousuke. Even when he was lying in his hospital bed, looking like he might disappear into the sheets, his face pale and his hands cold. Rin didn’t cry, even though Sousuke hadn’t opened his eyes since Rin entered the room.

 

But when Sousuke looked at him with wide, foggy eyes and refused to speak…that was when Rin had to cry. He had to. He still chatted nervously for a few minutes, but when it became clear that Sousuke didn’t trust him, Rin gave his usual “bye, see you tomorrow!” and left. He cried then.

 

For some reason, the next day was better. Rin came back, like he always did, but this time Sousuke smiled when he walked through the door.

 

“Hey man, how are you?” Rin greeted. He wouldn’t tell Sousuke about the day before. If he didn’t remember, he didn’t need to know. Rin still felt guilty for lying by omission, but when he weighed the pros and cons, he decided that a dying man didn’t need to know that he had hurt his best friend’s feelings, especially since there was nothing he could do about it.

 

So Rin continued to visit, daily, even if just for a few minutes. Some days Sousuke was just asleep; some days he was alert but weary, as if he hadn’t been asleep for most of the day. Then, there were the days Sousuke wasn’t himself. When that happened, sometimes he didn’t recognize Rin at all, but sometimes he seemed to know who Rin was, but couldn’t remember any of the things they’d been though together.

 

It hurt. Rin still smiled and act like he wasn’t affected, but it hurt.

 

As the end neared, the number of good days lessened. 

 

Most of the time, Sousuke was asleep when Rin stopped by, but even when he was awake he didn’t remember Rin. He barely spoke while Rin was there, even though Rin would tell him about the good times- when Iwatobi and Samezuka faced each other in a water gun battle, or when Ai made the relay team after Sousuke’s coaching. Rin always left out the bad things, because he thought it didn’t do Sousuke any good to suffer through certain things again. And even though Sousuke didn’t react to Rin’s stories, at least he listened.

 

And then there was one day, another bad day, where Sousuke actually spoke and Rin wished he hadn’t.

 

“I have a question,” Sousuke said, his voice hoarse. He had stopped Rin in the middle of a story and Rin was so shocked to hear his voice he couldn’t even respond.

 

“Who are you?” Sousuke asked, looking directly at him. Rin faltered again. Had he forgotten already?

 

“I’m Rin,” he responded weakly.

 

“I know, you already told me that. But who are you to me?” Sousuke looked directly at him and Rin couldn’t help but stare at the circles under his eyes and how much more prominent his cheekbones seemed.

 

“What do you think?” Rin asked. He wasn’t sure how specific his answer should be. He’d dreaded this question, he didn’t want to explain. He didn’t want to have to explain how they had dodged each other’s feelings for years after Sousuke confessed. He really didn’t want to explain to a dying man how he’d turned him down and then proceeded to ignore that anything had even happened. 

 

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking,” Sousuke mumbled, agitated. Rin hesitated. Neither option was great, but one of them might make Sousuke happy. Rin sighed, then grabbed Sousuke’s hand.

 

“We’re boyfriends,” he said. He smiled, even though he was pretty sure there was now officially a place reserved for him in hell. Sousuke, on the other hand, looked like he was considering Rin’s words. Then, he smiled back.

 

“I thought so,” he said. “You know so much about me.” Rin hadn’t seen Sousuke smile in almost a week. He felt somewhat relieved, even as his stomach dropped to his feet.

 

“Yeah, I mean we’ve been friends since elementary school too. But we’ve been dating for a while now,” he said, scratching his neck nervously.

 

“Really? Do we live together?” 

 

“Yeah, we have an apartment not too far from here. You like it because there’s a bakery right down the street,” Rin had twenty years’ worth of information about Sousuke, so he figured he might as well make his lie a good one. To his credit, it seemed to be working; Sousuke lay back against his pillows and closed his eyes contentedly.

 

“Tell me more about us,” Sousuke said. “I bet you asked me out. You seem like the hopeless romantic type.” Rin choked at that.

 

“Yeah, you’re right. I…One day in the spring, we went to the park-“

 

“Were the cherry trees in bloom?” Sousuke interrupted. 

 

“…yeah, yeah they were,” Rin said. He could feel tears welling in his eyes. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t cry in front of Sousuke, but this made-up story was weakening his resolve. _It must be guilt_ , he reasoned with himself. “Anyway, the petals kept on falling on us and you picked one out of my hair. When you did, I realized that I wanted to be with you.”

 

“Mm,” sighed Sousuke peacefully. He was obviously drowsy, but now that Rin was talking, he couldn’t stop.

 

“After that, it was like we had really been together all along. We were comfortable with each other, and you always made me feel so safe. I wondered why I didn’t ask you to be my boyfriend sooner.”

 

Rin was really crying now, but judging from Sousuke’s slow, even breaths, he had fallen asleep and hadn’t noticed. He kept hold on Sousuke’s hand, willing some of his energy to somehow transfer and magically cure him. Even if nothing he’d said had been true, creating a story about something they’d never had caused Rin’s chest to ache, filled with regret over a life they could never have, experiences they would never share. 

 

But at least he’d made Sousuke happy, if only for a short time.

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently I wanted to make myself really sad? oh god I'm so sorry
> 
> we can weep together at onion-mysonion.tumblr.com


End file.
